The First Heartachel

Reality struck our household hard the month of August 2013 with the news of our probable infertility. What broke my heart the most was the loss that my husband felt. I had never allowed myself to believe that he longed for a child as much as I did. This is the selfish side of being a woman. Because we are the ones that deal with the physical signs that conception has not occurred, you tend to feel you are the only one that feels that loss each month.

My sweet husband, having recently lost his mother making him an orphan at 42, had settled his heart on making our family the main focus of our future. In my ignorance, I had thought this was a recent realization caused by his sense of loss, and not a long-term desire. I will forever be sorry for that doubt and for not understanding that our partners’ sense of loss is just as great as those of us with the potential to carry the child.

I was surprised by how much hearing the words “infertility clinic” broke my heart initially. My mind went immediately to a dark place: we won’t be able to afford it, I won’t go “x” far with this process, maybe we should just give up and adopt. But my darling spouse was the hero of the moment, always focused on the positive, seeing everything as a chance to make our dream a reality. But secretly, we both still hoped it was an easy fix.

We made the first appointment with the clinic to meet with the nurse and tried to prepare ourselves for the unknown. If there could be a worst part to the story, it was that we really had no idea what was wrong, we only knew my doctor couldn’t help us – we needed a professional.

So with only questions in our pocket and no knowledge of infertility, we approached our first appointment with the doctor’s nurse. What we discovered was an overwhelming list of steps to be taken in order to diagnose our exact issue. And so we began, literally working down a very long list of tests that both of us had to complete. My one consolation was that I knew no stone could possibly have been left unturned with pretty much everything you could think of being tested between the two of us.

And then we waited to hear what our fate might be.