The Eve of the Eve

It’s the eve before New Year’s Eve, and the night before we find out the results of our IVF journey. Thankfully, the Christmas holiday has passed, but not without a few ups and downs with the emotions.

Each day has been taken as it has been given, wondering what symptoms might present themselves. Nausea, hot flashes, crying and strange twinges in the belly. You find yourself wondering if every little thing is a sign of success or failure. On top of the symptoms, my stomach has expanded making me feel pregnant, even if I am not. I know these can all be side effects of the hormone drugs that are currently part of my daily routine, but I cannot help hoping and praying they are a sign of better things to come.

And so, we wait. Today has been a better day with the symptoms, but I find myself wishing for them when they are not there. During my online reading (yes, Google is too tempting), I discovered that sometimes the “pregnancy symptoms” can be brought on by the dream of success. I am hoping that is not the case, but must admit that last evening when I felt like I would be ill from my vitamin, I was excited. Never thought that vomiting would be something I would ever hope and pray for.

Over the past twelve days, I have tried to remain positive. Telling myself, “your are pregnant until someone tells you you are not.” But some days have been more than the heart and mind could bear. Christmas was one of those days, as my sweet husband and I had our quiet celebration, and I kept daydreaming of the possibilities of Christmas 2014 with our new little one.

On the opposite side of the coin, I also try not to build myself up too much so that the fall will not be so far if the news is not what I hope for. I have a fabulous husband, a great job, am pretty healthy and friends that love me. All things to be thankful for, all things to remember no matter what happens tomorrow.

The biggest positive of finally knowing the result will be the ability to move on. Since August we have been in a holding pattern, pausing our home search and any 2014 plans until we knew how many McFees might be involved. After tomorrow, everything can start to resume. For me, that is a huge positive no matter what the results reveal. No more waiting and wondering, no more pushing pause. Life is meant to be lived and we will have our answer.

So whether 2014 is the year of the baby carriage or the next Disney cruise, my co-pilot and I are ready. T-minus fourteen hours to go…