Ten weeks. I will say it again, ten weeks. I’m ten weeks into this amazing journey and still cannot believe it. So much continues to happen and change. I feel as if I am outside my body looking down with wonder each time something twinges, grows or moves. Lucky. That’s all I can say. I’m so very lucky.
Last week, though, I was afraid that my luck had ended. What I am about to share may not be easy to read, and it wasn’t easy to experience, but it is yet again, something else I have overcome. At our eight week ultrasound with the fertility clinic, the doctor pointed out something he saw and mentioned that I would experience some spotting in the future. At the time, I was so distracted by the heart beat of little one, that I didn’t pay much attention. I inquired with my OB at my first appointment on Monday last week, but the nurse seemed to indicate it was normal. Described some things to watch out for and to call them if I was worried. But what happened on Tuesday morning was enough for me to think my world was ending.
My reason for documenting this is for the women that come after me. That hear “spotting” and think of that one way, while the experience can be so much more. So I will call it what is was in my experience, bleeding. Yes, on Tuesday morning at about 10:30 am ET, I began to bleed. Desperate in the moment, I was lucky as always that my dear husband was at my side. He remained calm (at least on the surface), called the doctor and within minutes had us on the road to the hospital. The entire time talking me through it. Reassuring me, all would be well (whether he believed it or not). By the time we arrived at the hospital, things seemed to have calmed down. And by the time I was back in the ER with the doctor, it had nearly stopped. What we came to find out was that I was experiencing “spotting”. That over one-third of pregnant women have it, that they also saw what my fertility doctor had seen, but that most importantly little one and I were both perfectly fine. After all the poking and prodding, the bleeding continued on and off until about 9 pm that night and then it was all over.
Despite reassurance, I was still a nervous wreck. My OB agreed to see us on Wednesday, and by that time, with everything back to normal for me, I was starting to believe we were both going to be ok. Thankfully, the doctor was wonderful, comforted me, shared her own experience and assured me that for many women, this was normal. Later that day, I shared my episode with two other women, who confirmed they had been through the same ordeal. While it is not something to ignore and it is terrifying, call your doctor and take a deep breath.
By Thursday, we were back at the OB for our second ultrasound, and I will never be able to express my jubilation at what we saw. On the screen was our little one. Wiggling, kicking, moving it’s hands. Putting on a show that took our breath away. Not a white speck, but a little “cupie doll” staring back at us. It was the most precious moment of my thirty eight years of life. From the desolation and fear of Tuesday to the overwhelming joy and happiness of Thursday. My heart was full.
And so another week is behind us, and soon we will be past the twelve weeks. Past the first trimester. On to the next phase. While I know there may be more ups and downs in the future, for now I stare at the images of our little one and smile. I am amazed by it’s sweet nose and little feet. I thank the universe for the gift of this pregnancy, and I enjoy each day as it is given to me. From this day forward, not a day will go by that I will not worry about our little one. Every day for the rest of my life I will wonder if I am doing my best for our child. I understand now, more than ever, that I have already become…a mother.