Mama McFee misses weeMcFee

Today is a rough day.  I know we all have them, and it’s not as rough as many others out there in the world are suffering.  But for me, it’s a rough day.

My heart aches.  Perhaps it is the gloomy weather in Chicago.  Perhaps it is the uncertainity that is at home with Ellie fighting sleep and eating.  Perhaps it is all of the projects I am buried under at work.  Probably all of the above.

Rough days happen to all of us.  As someone that suffers with anxiety and depression, when one hits, it can feel almost debilitating.  I am struggling to focus, struggling to stay awake, struggling to just sit up and be.

Ironically, this is happening during a week where I have been trying some new things.  Undertaking a FitBit challenge and beating my step goals.  Working on healthier eating.  Cutting out wine and sticking to water.  Trying to get sleep and not overwork myself.  All of the things which should be doing the opposite for my mind.  All of the things which should be boosting my system, causing those endorphins to fire, filling me with energy.

Yet here I am.

I am writing this to help those who do not understand mental illness to get a glimpse into what it is like.  How no matter what, some days are just rough days.  Some days your mind wins out.  Your anxiety cannot be stopped.  The meds don’t work.  And you feel frustrated.  Angry that you have been doing everything right.  Following the doctor’s orders, saying your affirmations, cleansing your system.  Yet, here you are.

I have never been one that did not take mental illness seriously.  Since being diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 19 after losing my grandmother, I know how real it is.  I know I have a chemical imbalance.  I know that it is genetic for me.  I know that some days are just going to be rough days.

But on days like these, I push myself more.  I get up. I walk in the rain to work.  I eat my fruit and take calls.  And I am lucky enough to start this day with positive thinkers.  People who believe the world can still be saved – whether it be from environmental or human causes – the world is not lost to us.  We can make things better.  We can come together and build a world that is strong.  We can find the people that want to work along side us.

On these tough days, when I don’t have my weeMcFee to bring me out;  when I don’t have a warm hug to give me extra energy;  when I’m low and need a push.  On these days, I am grateful that I work for an organization that still believes.  That I have energetic people around me who can be authentic with me.  People that are not perfect and give me permission to not be perfect.

It’s a rough day.  But I am geared up to fight it.  To push through and show my smile.  Because I know the world needs me to not give up.  There are many battles to fight and many people that need those battles to be fought for them.  Today they are my strength.  Today they are the reason I trudged through rain.  They are the reason I will still try to hit 10,000 steps.  They are the reason to smile and be thankful.

“Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” –Unknown

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