Hurry up and wait

Sitting in the doctors’s office today I noticed a sad reality. Infertility does not discriminate, it doesn’t care what you look like, how old you are, or where you are from. It can strike anyone. There were so many people in the office, that not a seat was available. I realized then that we are not alone on this journey and my heart began to hurt. While there is a comfort in knowing we are not alone, I am saddened that so many couples, including those that are very young, have to navigate this path as well.

There we all were, on an early December Monday, waiting. Waiting to know our fate. I don’t mean to sound downtrodden, but the reality is sad. While I hope we all eventually have our happy ending, how many of us will have to rediscover what that is? Perhaps it is the constant waiting, perhaps it’s just the hormones. Let’s go with both for now.

I will not lie and this post may be difficult for any friends or family, but this is not a journey for the faint of heart. There are days, where I am just not sure I can do it. Days when the thought of the needles outweighs any happiness. Days that I am just angry. Thankfully I was reminded by a mentor that has been down this road, that these moments are perfectly normal. To remember no matter what, that each day is a victory; to take care of myself; and to “never forget that you’re jacked up on drugs.” You might laugh, and I know my dear husband says it to me every day more than once, but to hear another person that has been through this give you permission to embrace the “crazy”, to call you “normal”, really brings you back to reality.

And so after almost 3 hours of waiting, we finally had our moment with the doctor. Now I am able to focus on the positive, but at the time, the wind was knocked out of my sails as he revealed we had only 3.5 follicles. I mention the “half” since it was still there, and I am trying to remember I did have progress. But I truly had hoped for more, my goal of five or six was not achieved and my heart sank. To offer advice to those that come after me in this process, do not give yourself goals. While that may seem obvious, when in the moment, it is easy to get wrapped up in the numbers.

The rest of the appointment ran by me in a blur as I signed waivers and received instructions. It wasn’t until we were at lunch later that I realized we had made it. The finish line was set for Friday and we were almost there. Only four more injections, only 3 more days, only a little more waiting.

20131209-203426.jpgThis evening I sat at the beach and breathed in the sea air. I soaked in the cool breezes and let the waves speak to me. I have always felt comfort in the sound of the water, and once again I found my solace. Just a little more waiting.  Besides, as the saying goes, “things worth having are worth waiting for.” (Anonymous)